An Open Letter to Michael Bay

Dear Michael Bay,
Wow. I can’t believe I’m writing this letter. The last time I wrote a “fan letter,” if you can even call this that, was back when I was in middle school. The letter was to John Grisham – bestselling author of a plethora of lawyer/political thrillers. He actually wrote me back. Can you believe it? He even responded with a typewritten thank you letter that he actually signed. That’s right – signed. I know I’m certainly not getting a think you note from you for this letter.

Last night I settled down on the couch after a long, shitty day of Christmas shopping. I popped in the copy of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen that I got in the mail from Netflix (the best thing since sliced bread, second only to the internet) and waited for the awesomeness to begin. I know, I’m very behind as I had planned on watching T2:RotF in the theater for the full robot/transformer/LeBouf/Tuturro experience like I did the first time but you know how life is. You get busy! Anyway, I also wanted to mention that I have avoided any and all T2:RotF reviews and plot talk so when it came time for me to enjoy your second Transformers flick, I could do so at my leisure. My thoughts about the movie would be pure and completely untainted, well except for the fact that the first Transformers rocked my world. But I guess it didn’t matter in the end because here’s what I remember thinking while watching T2:RotF:
-WTF is going on?

-Holy shit! The military let Michael Bay film submarines!
-Whoa. Shia looks like he’s having some terrible seizure. Why isn’t someone helping him? I knew Megan Fox wasn’t any good.

-What is going on?
-Megan Fox is creepy. Her and Kristen Stewart both suffer from horrible cases of Open Mouth Syndrome (OMS is serious – make sure to get that checked out!).

-The robots look awesome!
-Thank God John Tuturro is back. I was getting confused/bored.

-Who is that guy playing Sam’s roommate? He needs to go away. Right now.
-What the hell just happened?

That list means I was DISAPPOINTED! When I first heard that Transformers was being made into a live action movie, I was in high school. I’ll admit, I was pretty skeptical. I mean, who wouldn’t be skeptical about one of their favorite toys/cartoons being made into a live action movie? But I will say this: what you did for the first Transformers movie was so much better than I ever could have hoped for. You exceeded my expectations in every single way. But by doing this, you created a double-edged sword. People’s expectations soared for the second film. You simply cannot make one great movie, especially one featuring rockin’ robots, and make the second one shitty. I mean, you can – and you did – but that’s just not fair.

M. Bay! You are a master of the movie world? Especially when it comes to action. When I think of your work, I think of The Rock, Bad Boys, and the first Transformers flick. I guess I have been living a sheltered existence considering I never watched The Island or Pearl Harbor because T2:RotF seems to in line with the reviews I’ve read of those.

Unless you plan on remaking T2:RotF, I don’t think I can bring myself to sit through another one of your movies where heartbreak such as this ensues. I see that Transformers 3 is slated for release in 2011 so who knows if that will be enough time to mend my broken heart.

With emo tears,



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